Today's my last day of leave before I officially begin a new season as a full-time staff worker at RiverLife Church. To be honest, I've been wrestling with some struggles about stepping into this new role- especially with regards to adjusting to a totally different lifestyle and level of ministry commitment. Part of me recognises that I'm incredibly blessed to be working in such a vibrant church, and yet, part of me is still asking "is it gonna be worth it? giving up so much of yourself?"
I guess those questions surfaced the deep, underlying issues within me that God had to dig up and deal with. And during this short break, He's surprised me by revealing several issues to me in the most mundane moments (often when I'm lying on my bed reading a book or watching 24, trying to avoid any confrontation with Him at all. haha!).
At the start of my Dec break, I was feeling really tired, and simply at the end of myself. I just didn't know how to give anymore. And I stubbornly didn't want to give anymore. Trouble was, I didn't like feeling that way. I didn't like who I was becoming. I didn't really know why I was in this state, and it was very frustrating.
As God spoke, He made me see that
- I badly need to recuperate from running so long and hard in BMI.
- I still need healing from past relationships, ministry and work experiences where I've given so much of myself, and yet, gotten burnt at the end.
- I need to rediscover my beauty in the Lord.
- I need to remember that I can never outgive the Giver.
- It's high time to start carving out "creative time," and to start working on my craft seriously to be a good steward of the talents He's given me.
God gently sought me out, even when I was trying to escape. Like Keith Green, I would much rather be hiding under my keyboard. But His love broke through, and prompted me to unburden my heart before Him. He ministered deeply to me in those quiet moments in my room. As I worshipped Him on my keyboard. I could feel my teardrops falling on my keys and fingers...and it was a queer but almost definitive moment. I want to be the Psalmist who is totally surrendered and broken before Him. I'm laying down the desires of my heart, my gifts, my time, my fears, my doubts unto Him.
After God has washed away my bitterness, poured His heart into mine, and renewed my vision, I feel more ready to cross over into this new season. I just need to constantly look towards the Rock who is higher than I.
This song has been on my iPod for several nights, and articulates all that I'm praying for right now.
SURRENDER
I guess those questions surfaced the deep, underlying issues within me that God had to dig up and deal with. And during this short break, He's surprised me by revealing several issues to me in the most mundane moments (often when I'm lying on my bed reading a book or watching 24, trying to avoid any confrontation with Him at all. haha!).
At the start of my Dec break, I was feeling really tired, and simply at the end of myself. I just didn't know how to give anymore. And I stubbornly didn't want to give anymore. Trouble was, I didn't like feeling that way. I didn't like who I was becoming. I didn't really know why I was in this state, and it was very frustrating.
As God spoke, He made me see that
- I badly need to recuperate from running so long and hard in BMI.
- I still need healing from past relationships, ministry and work experiences where I've given so much of myself, and yet, gotten burnt at the end.
- I need to rediscover my beauty in the Lord.
- I need to remember that I can never outgive the Giver.
- It's high time to start carving out "creative time," and to start working on my craft seriously to be a good steward of the talents He's given me.
God gently sought me out, even when I was trying to escape. Like Keith Green, I would much rather be hiding under my keyboard. But His love broke through, and prompted me to unburden my heart before Him. He ministered deeply to me in those quiet moments in my room. As I worshipped Him on my keyboard. I could feel my teardrops falling on my keys and fingers...and it was a queer but almost definitive moment. I want to be the Psalmist who is totally surrendered and broken before Him. I'm laying down the desires of my heart, my gifts, my time, my fears, my doubts unto Him.
After God has washed away my bitterness, poured His heart into mine, and renewed my vision, I feel more ready to cross over into this new season. I just need to constantly look towards the Rock who is higher than I.
This song has been on my iPod for several nights, and articulates all that I'm praying for right now.
SURRENDER
Purify this tainted soul
I'm tired of living life a foolSoften up this hardened clay
To be a servant, this I pray
A reflection of You, I long to be
So Your kingdom I will seek
I surrender to Your throne
Oh, I surrender to Your throne
I will make my heart Your home
Oh, I surrender to Your throne
I've taken things I thought my own
Only to reap what I've sown
You've given back the years I fought
Unending love and grace You've brought
Eternal hope and peace You bring
And forever unto You I will sing
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