Dreams

God remembers our dreams...even when we forget them.
That's what I learnt over the Christmas wkend, during my Esplanade gig. I remember telling God many years ago, that I just wanted to sing for Him...to touch people in song.

Well,I had the amazing privilege of singing the closing song "Psalm 139" for "Phoebe's Gift"...an evangelical Christmas musical, put up by FCBC in 2002. That was around the time when I made that prayer...and realized that God could use me to touch lives with my voice.

The next year,I joined Believer Music...and that made my calling more concrete. It's been about 2 1/2 years at BMI already...and it's been a real blessing, knowing that God has used me as a vessel, to help others to worship better in song. Friendships with students have blossomed as a result too!:)

However, along the way....due to my constant insecurity over my voice, class overload, voice fatigue and bouts of sickness....i really started to doubt my ability to sing. And well, I started to shy away from singing (whenever possible), and I kinda lost the joy in singing!

Then, came along the Christmas@Esplanade gig. Honestly, I wasn't really expecting much from it...cos it was a pretty last min decision to go ahead with it, and I didn't expect my band Disclosure to be featured much (thought we wld just come in for like 2 songs). Also, I was so tired from work to fully enjoy it.

Anyway, after all the rehearsals, I started to re-discover the joys of the gigging experience. haha! Some of it came from the therapeutic experience of making music, expressing myself thru the music....but most fulfilling of all, was the experience of making new friends, and strengthening bonds with old friends. :)

For those of you who made it down to the Esplanade last nite, you would know that I sang Corrinne May's "If you didn't love me". I'm so glad I chose that song, because it's really meaningful and appropriate for Christmas. It's reflective and it makes you question what's really impt in life, what truly matters...and that allowed me to share a bit about God's love during our sets! Wow, cool rite? Being able to testify at a secular venue!

The sets went pretty well...sure there were mistakes by all of us, but it doesn't really matter, it happens. :) God taught me that it's not so much about hitting all the right notes, but about communicating and making a heartfelt, expressive statement with our music. Afterall, that's why we all love music right? Cos it moves us. Still, it was not an easy lesson for a perfectionist like me to learn. I'm usually super harsh with myself if i 'zao sia'/ 'crack'.

So there I was, a jittery mess before the gig...trying to get past my insecurities, and let loose, to have an enjoyable experience.
I made an impt prayer before the gig, that God would somehow use me to touch hearts with that song...even if it was just ONE soul, that would be enough.

In the end, I had a real gd time singing my song, despite some minor mistakes. Andrea's sensitive playing, her ability to flow with me helped tremendously of course! :) Singing it during the last set was particularly memorable....felt really free to express myself, and I was so moved thinking about the love I've received from close ones ard me, and esp. from God...that I was getting tingles, and fighting bk tears at the end of the song.

In addition, what fueled that performance, was a season of broken-ness for me...that is always a reminder of my vulnerability, and my reliance on God. I remember when I sang for Phoebe's Gift in 2002, I was going through a heart-breaking period as well. I told Eunice tdy, that God likes to make me sing songs that will make pple cry during Christmas....but before I sing it, i have to be broken first, so that it comes from a real place. Haha!

Well, eventually the feedback from the band/ friends/ mbers of the audience was very positive and encouraging as well. I feel really blessed to know that they were touched by it! Joanne (Dehui's wife) said she got goosebumps...wah! Kelvin, my fellow Disclosure band mber and backing vocalist for that song, said he wanted to cry! He hardly cries lah...so that means the world to me!

On a whole, this gig has been very inspiring and healing....learning that 'hey, i can sing afterall'! Thank you Jesus...for Your encouragement, Your tender love,for surrounding me with so many 'angels in disguise' (that's you my friend!), and for using me, remembering my dream.

Lately, a few people have been reminding me to further that dream. Jenny and Eunice have told me that they can imagine me writing my own songs. (Eunice also pointed out that I was singing at the same venue at our beloved Corrinne May. haha! Really dream come true.)Well, let's pray that my song-writing skills improve then. haha! Cos right now, I don't think much of my songs.

I'll end with a shout-out to:
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1)everyone who came down- appreciate you making your way down on Christmas day!! :) Your support means a lot. For those of you who cldn't make it, but sent encouraging smses...thank you as well!

2)the fantastic mbers of 5@play and Disclosure: I couldn't ask for a better time with you guys! :) It was sooooo much fun, so fulfilling, so heart-warming to share the stage with you all on CHRISTMAS DAY!! Divine appointment or what? I truly treasure our friendships....you all mean the world to me. Thanks for your constant encouragement and for being there for me!

George: We missed having you on stage with us for this gig, but you certainly made your presence felt with the hilarious "CRACK SOME JOKES LAH" shout-outs from the audience. I love you bro! haha!

I'm so looking fwd to our Disclosure reunion on 13th Jan at Timbre. hee!